Sunday, October 24, 2010

Don't look down....

I'm gonna let you in on a little neurosis of mine...
well if you've been in a car with me for any length of time...then you already know what I'm talking about...especially if I was driving through a hilly stretch of road.
I have a fear of losing control.
ha ha.
No joke you say....
But this fear translates itself in SO many debilitating ways.
The one that has reared it's head in my life concerns my fear of speed and steep windy roads.

Going back to my childhood, I've never liked to go fast.  From the time I tried my hand at anything on wheels (a bike, roller skates, etc) I DID NOT enjoy the feel of going too quickly....I only wanted to know how to slow down.  Where is the brake?  How do I snowplow?  On skates I wore out the stopper in the front.  I did NOT like to feel out of control. It's a safety mechanism in all of us, but mine seemed to be on hyperdrive!

The other day I was driving with a friend to a field trip that involved  a HUGE hilly stretch.  We laughed as my grip tightened on the wheel and I asked her to turn up the hair blowing on my face.  I can't help that my palms get sweaty on that road.  It's just automatic.  And the entire time I try to talk myself down internally....."Get a grip"....."Loosen up"......."Shake it off"
Usually I can pray my way through it or concentrate on a song to make the time fly by....but this time everything seemed amplified as I was talking with my friend.  Don't get me wrong, this is usually all in my head.  On a bad day, if you were outside observing you might see me slow down and go all "Granny's driving" on you.  But for the most part this is an internal monologue that I just happened to bring my friend into.

The greatest thing was that instead of humoring me, she decided to talk me through it, and we actually got down to the heart of the problem.  She asked me, "What is it about these long curves that frightens you?"
"I just feel out of control, unless I slow down to like 40 miles an hour........I feel like the centrifugal force swings me out too far and I'm afraid of overcorrecting."  (No joke, these are my thoughts)
And the best part was she completely understood. 

Being an avid dirt bike rider she went on to explain how it's easy to feel out of control if you look at the road just in front of you.  "You need to look way ahead of you, keeping your eyes focused on your destination.  Your immediate path will remain in your peripheral, but you won't faulter on the little curves."  I tried to shift my focus and, what do you know?  It worked.  She said, "It's the funniest thing.  If I see a huge rock in the road when I'm on my bike, the worst thing I can do is concentrate on NOT hitting that rock.  If I don't focus on the bump in the road then I automatically go around it.  It's like your brain knows its there, and will compensate for that.  But if you stare at it, then you're trying to figure out how to handle it.  Our minds are much more powerful than we give them credit."

Since then I've had a MUCH easier time going down LONG stretches of hilly roads.  It feels like I've overcome a HUGE mental roadblock.  And the more I ruminated on this newfound skill, the more I've applied it to other parts of my life.

It's so easy to trip up on the rocks in the road if I keep staring at my feet.   But if I extend my gaze upwards, I take my trust off my own understanding and things fall in line naturally.  Does this mean I'll never trip and fall?  Nah, but in the absence of my fears the road is much smoother. Taking fear out of the equation levels the playing field a bit. 
I just have to let go and stop looking down.

What immediate situation do you need to stop concentrating on today?
Just look up.  Stop worrying about HOW you'll get there, and focus on the end game.  You will never have control over how the road bends, but you CAN control how you respond to the curves.

Just don't look down.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Don't Stop Believing....

For those of you keeping track, it's October....
and if you're reading this then you may know how significant that is in the Weiner family.....

October 15th is official GO-time for our escrow!
I'm so grateful for your faithful prayers and love (hosting us over for dinner/lending us your house, etc)
I love that so many of you sent me excited messages once the calendar turned to October 1st !!  Woo hoo!  We're getting close, and I'm all about having a great cheer squad behind us...especially as we're in fan mode rooting for the SF Giants in the playoffs!  But that's a WHOLE other post!!

That being said I have a confession (don't I always?)
My faith has been waivering.
Not in a bad way, but I just really haven't FELT like we're going to get this house.
Now I know that the Lord just wanted me to buck it up and get praying.
(I'm sure those weren't His exact words.... ;)
You see here I am trying to plan a baby shower for the day after Thanksgiving, and the ideal location of the shower is our new home...naturally.  I don't expect to have it decorated or be anything more than living out of boxes in it by then....but I'd just like to be able to decorate for the shower and prep casually the week before...rather than be crunched transporting everything to another location the day of...
That being said I have been all Eeyore-ish about our house...and the likely hood of the deal falling through.
To the point that I've kept a steady search of current rentals nearby.  If I've said it once, it bears repeating:

That brings us to Sunday when our favorite person from the Sales office called to check in.  She congratulated me on the great news...(?) To which I told her I knew nothing.
She went on to explain that our loan was approved last week....even though my favorite (ahem) financial guy hadn't yet informed us!  So woo hoo and what the heck all ran through my mind at once.
But ultimately this was GREAT news!  (Could this really be happening?)

Then today- Confirmation.
My God sign.
It's totally in Hands bigger than mine.

The loan processor finally sent an email to Jarrod filled with extra information that we'll need upon closing the deal.One of the 10 bullet points casually mentions that they want to see a certain sum of money in our bank 'reserves.'  We're not talking hundreds but thousands of dollars that we just don't have, nor do we have access to....but Jarrod didn't stress, he just shook off all the questions and kept working until he got a call from me.

Here is where things get interesting. 
The reason for my call came with his paycheck.  I had opened the envelope to find two checks.  I was thrown off by the second check and called to ask if he was expecting it.  He laughed and asked how much it was for.....and wouldn't you know, the amount of the check covers 90% of what we need to have in reserves.  He was expecting a quarterly bonus, but this one is over double what he received last quarter-we're talking over a month's salary....completely unexpected.  But obviously not to God.

Apparently we're getting a new house folks.
And I better get on the ball and start believing it.

Friday, October 1, 2010

September Ends with Random thoughts

Sometimes I just think I need to post a couple thoughts...
be they coherent or not.
So here goes.

Random thought #1
I found this picture of a wallhanging we own.  I miss it.
Missing it made me realize that our November is going to feel like Christmas....because I get to unwrap things I haven't seen in over 6 months!
Double Christmas Bonus!!
How exciting is THAT?!?!
Random thought #2
Tonight I cooked up over 4 dozen sausages to take camping on a trip we won't be staying overnight....I'm bummed....but the REASON we can't stay the night is this:
We have GIANTS tickets!!!
So we'll be headed off to watch the Giants who will have by then either clenched the Western Division OR
will be very close.
We bought these tickets back at the beginning of summer having NO idea what a great year the Giants would have.
It's all very exciting.
I think we'll need to pick up a SF Giants cheerleader this time ;) 
Random Thought #3
While I was helping my sister shop for her baby registry it struck me that if I was a character in a
Disney cartoon, then I'd probably be shaped like this:
Ala, the wardrobe in Beauty in the Beast.  Gotta love those curves baby ;)
But really, I think it's a fantastically funky dresser though I'd NEVER buy it full price.
Random Thought #4
I need to catch myself on camera a bit more often. 
Not for the sake of narcissism....but because it might matter to someone one day.
That thought struck me during a convo with a friend.
As she is planning her mom's memorial, she realized that between nine siblings, they have less than a dozen pictures.
For Good or Bad mommas, we need to get in those shots.
We have a legacy we're leaving.  The unseen influences are obviously most important.....but a written/visual record can be just an meaningful.
And I don't care how old you are when your momma passes, you're always going to feel like an orphan.
So let's leave lots of amazing memories to help our own babies through it.
Sometimes I think my kids could pick out my grouchy/stern face in a lineup MUCH easier than they could my happy face.  Sigh**

And with that I wave goodbye to another month, and wake up another day closer to the rest of our lives.
Happy October ya'll!