Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Big Picture

What? You say I haven't posted in a while?
In my mind I've posted a dozen times.

Sometimes with a sharp diatribe about myself and my faults.
Other times I wrote about a fantastic experience I shared with the kids.
Then there was that time I waxed poetic about my family.

But always....always.....I was here.
Because that's what I do best....I ramble.

So if you missed it....I guess I forgot to hit send.  Those posts stayed in my mind.  My lethargic fingers couldn't make it to the keys.  I just haven't wanted to sort through my thoughts.....Or maybe it's because I've been listening.
Just listening to my surroundings.  Straining for the voice of reassurance that all of this is for a reason.
That this situation that is SO uncomfortable is actually VERY temporary in the scheme of things.
That my husband will snap out of his impatient mood BEFORE I put to practice all the tools in my "Power of a Praying Wife" bible study.
That forced relationships will become flexible....without effort.
That I can stop thinking about all the what ifs, and deadlines, and possibilities of our home.

Oh, right.  That's not the way it works, you say?

So I guess I've been sitting here in denial.
Nothing 'wrong' ....just not entirely RIGHT.  I am in limbo.  I have no 'place' of my own.  My job description is a tad 'wonky' right now.   I'm still a teacher,  a wife and a mommy....but our 'home' is out of sorts.  I cannot plan meals, buy groceries, organize for my family in the usual fashion.  It's a bit disorienting.  At this same time, my van has taken a nose dive....and has been out of order for 2 weeks now.  Now, I am the first to admit this is an ideal time for it to do so....since I am able to borrow my mom's car at a moment's notice, and our funds are a bit more fluid without a mortgage to pay....but it's still bothersome to not be in my comfort zone.  To be so wholly dependent on others when I've strived to be the caregiver for the last 10 years of my life.  I think we all feel some denial when we feel helpless.

So I've been reflecting on this vulnerable feeling.  This redefinition of our home and my role in it.

And the answers have been slow to come.  The reassurance not entirely decipherable. 
The focus less on me and my thoughts and more on the bigger picture.

I know that I know that I SHOULD know that my God is not a genie, a wish granter, or simply a problem fixer.
He is a lover, my lover.  He IS gentle.  He is a Father.  He died for the BIGGER picture.....not to just come and clean up a life I fashioned.  A life so incomplete and without reason, that I could never be content on my own. 

Nope, He desires MUCH more for me, for US, than that.
In fact, father's don't arrange things just to make it easier on us.....
not if they want to see us grow.
Not if their desire is learning and strengthening our souls. 
This verse in the Message struck me:

2 Corinthians 12: 8-10
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

As is normal with my dramatic postings.....this scripture describes trials I am NO WHERE NEAR familiar with......but it's all perspective, no?  I may not be in the middle of abuse, but I'm learning to deal with 'difficult' personalities.  I may not be facing MAJOR opposition, but there are challenges in not being in 'control' of your 'destiny,' as it were.
The fact is......If I'm wallowing,  I'm wallowing.
Whether it's a personal attack, a physical ailment, or as simple as an uncomfortable situation....if I'm fretting it still means my eyes are off the Provider of my strength.  The One.  The giver of ALL good gifts.
I cannot accept the good and reject the hard.
So thank you.  THANK YOU DADDY.  For the strength to think again. 
For peeling back the layers of denial and allowing me to see the bigger picture again. 
And it is indeed a BIG picture.
A pretty picture at that. 
Even if I can only see a corner of one side ;)
I'll still ramble on about how great that corner is.

1 comment:

Stef said...

Another great post, Nikki. Ramble on all you want... God uses your ramblings for GOOD in my life :)