Monday, June 22, 2009
You are my strength when I am weak...
This picture makes me smile.....like pollinated eyes boring into my soul ;)
Jarrod said I should be as angry with myself as I was with another person....but I was MORE than that, I was physically ill.
I was SO disgusted with my behavior that I wanted to get that feeling OUT of my body!
I won't/can't bore you with the details, but I made a mistake. A significant mistake.....unknowingly.....and then I blamed someone else. And when they didn't own up to it, and really reacted rudely I was LIVID.
Now, I'm not a yeller, or much of a confronter...so you have to know that I had worked myself up pretty good here....to even FEEL angry at this person. But I thought by the time I was reacting that I was justified..... Have you ever done that?
So I stated my case, rationally and considerately and it was NOT taken well.
And my complaints affected many people. They harmed our finances, and affected my husband....but I had NO idea it was my fault.
Then today, I discovered my mistake. And I felt, for the first time, what it was like to REALLY have wronged someone. Mind you, no one was cussed at, my voice never raised, my words were only in writing...and they REALLY were polite......but none of that changes the rashness of my decision to complain...and the reprecussions therein.
So today as I pondered my mistake, I realized what it felt like to NEED forgiveness. It had been awhile since I really felt like I had a HUGE sin I needed erased!
I had been ugly....if only in my thoughts.....it was enough.
Do you realize that you thoughts can have profound consequences?
I was praying for a resolution....wondering if I needed to crawl away, gravelling and apologizing.....but that would probably make it worse....and to tell you the truth, I STILL don't know what I'll do about the whole situation........
but I'm grateful for the glimpse into my own heart.
For out of the wellspring of our heart flows the mouth......that's a Proverb......
and I NEED that in my head so that I'll never be in this situation again.
We ALL fall short of the glory of God......and I know this....but it was scary to feel SO far from His grace......I had acted feeling justified....but God never called me to take vengence into my own hands.....for what we've thought in our hearts is the same as the action....and I actually hated someone for a time!
My patience faltered, and I made decisions without going forward in peace....I did what I WANTED to do....
and that's just NOT going to be good enough!
I long for better. I long for resolution.....and I long for it now.
Meanwhile this song keeps playing in my head.....
This is our lullaby at night....and my heart So wants rest...
You are my strength when I am weak.
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all......
When I fall down you pick me up.
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all...
Jesus, Lamb of God.
Worthy is your Name.....
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame.
Rising again, I bless Your name.
You are my all in all.
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all.