Thursday, January 21, 2010

Midnight babble

So many things we get through with a smile on our face.
Because this is not forever.  And we have So many things to be thankful for.   But realizing all of the GOODNESS in our situation still doesn't mask the weariness. 
There is no denying it.  We are very social beings in this house.  And I feel lazy and sad staying in with all this rain.  It's not that I don't LOVE the rain.  And we SO love the visits and meals we have been blessed with.....but there is that stubborn side of me that is still frustrated.  It's the spoiled little girl that was rarely told no while she was growing up.....so when you say I CAN'T go anywhere because it's nearly impossible not to get soaked, and it will be MUCH too difficult with this rain......well my chones get all up in a bunch and I just want to go THAT MUCH MORE!  (sorry for that terrible mental image!)

Don't get me wrong.....we've had fun this week.  We've tackled our schooling, we've painted popcorn, we've conquered new levels on Super Mario Bros., I even cleaned up our master bedroom and reorganized my closet.  All VERY big accomplishments (ahem)..... I just can't stand that there are parties going on OUT THERE...without us.  There are things that I cannot do with a wheelchairbound boy.  And things our son cannot do.  So I want to compensate for that.

On top of that my heart is sad.  I can't stop thinking about Danica, and the breaths she has stopped taking.  That morning she woke up and got dressed and she never knew that those would be the last minutes she'd have with her girls.  Or that phone call would be the last she'd answer.  And those friends would be the last ones she'd see before her car rolled over.  We had known each other for almost 20 years and we're too young to die.  And now I'll never see her again.  But worse, her girls will never see her again. 

Our babies still have so much to experience...and I want to do that with them.  I can't help feeling like we're wasting time waiting.....if only for the rain to stop.

I know that this is such a small timeframe in our lives.  But I want to make the most of it.  So tomorrow we adventure.   And I'm sure it'll be a wet one.  But a little piece of me is doing it for 'Nica.  Because she can't anymore.   And I hadn't let myself cry about that yet.  Until tonight.
So yes life is difficult, but it's still life.  Life is meant to be lived. 
All for the glory of God.  That's my motto lately.  "Hey, what's a 'motto' with you?".....eh, sorry.
If you're still reading this....thanks for putting up with all the jabbering.
I do that when I'm sad. 
But not tomorrow....tomorrow we dance in the rain.

3 comments:

The Ballard Family said...

Ah! don't be sad, for the party starts Saturday and I can't WAIT to see YOU!

Joan said...

((hugs))
Want to come venture out this way? :)

Michelle Riggs said...

Being stuck at home is very hard. The walls just start to close in on you. I pray you are free again soon.