Saturday, March 27, 2010

What were we thinking?!?!

It's about that time for a mental breakdown right?
In the past week we kept most of our, two baseball games, groceries, laundry, etc.
But then we added in box hunting, organizing utilities, reserving storage units, a visit from Pops Howie, and packing, purging, packing.
I managed to watch one movie while I purged an old sock drawer and folded laundry.  But other than that I have been in Go mode all week.  And I'm done! Stick a fork in me I'm aWHINING  now!
Not like that is anything new ;)

But in all honesty, I just don't like myself right now.  Sure I could blame it on the toilet STILL sitting in my hallway.  Or the fact that my house is in a constant state of chaos.  Or that my kids are out of control without a schedule or sense of normalcy around here.
But I realized that this is all par for the course.

The part I don't like is the way I'm processing all this stress.
I'm trying to do it in my own strength.
I keep finding ways for ME to make it happen.
Ie, sending the kids off with friends, or drinking my weight in caffeine.  But I'm realizing that no human could really help me in this situation.  I've been bypassing my greatest helper.  My Savior of all people!
My heart hurts when I think of all the missed opportunities I've had to BE Christ to my kids.  The patience I've lacked, the teaching moments I've passed by because my hands were already 'full.'

The fact is that nothing in ME will get this house packed up, my family moved to a new place, or make a wonderful time out of the interim. 
This is all happening for reasons FULLY beyond me, or this great little family.
So praise God for that!  I just have to remind myself that this world does NOT revolve around me (GASP!) or my emotions.  And then the other things begin to fall in place. 

I can't let this get overly emotional.  Though I want to cry when I think about my beloved box wall.
This was the first wall I painted when we moved in.  It took a week and involved a LOT of tape and clear sealant to make the crips lines.   The new tenants have asked to paint over it.  So I snapped a picture and said a prayer of thanks for the 8 years we spent together ;)
This was never our house to begin with.  It was just under our care.
This family will truly never be about a structure.
Please God let me remember that. 
To nurture our relationships in the meantime....even if there doesn't seem to be enough time to do so.
In the end, we'll all be together in another building.  But if I've yelled and cried and mopped about in the meantime, what have my children learned this week?

I know I've learned to lean elsewhere for I need to pass along that advice. 


MommyDesiree said...

He is our strong tower mama! What a blessing He's calling you to Him. We all need Him, but not all of us are so blessed to see it so clearly, even if we're stubborn for a time. Amen for that!

(and friends willing to help right?)

Stef said...

oh boy, Nikki.... You brought out so many of my emotions from our busy year and then our sudden move last fall.

Jason and I wanted to keep up a "brave face" for our kids, understand how big it was to move them from the only state (town) they've ever lived in, to a brand new state and city, where they had NO family or friends. But in that process of being brave for our kids, we started realizing that we were taking too much of the stress and emotions on in our own strength and forgetting to "cast our cares on God, because HE truly cares for us".

The morning we officially closed and locked our front door, got in the car and drove out of that driveway, one last time... we all started sobbing. Uncontrollably, actually. Ethan really got worked up - began begging us not to take him to a new state, begged us to stay close to where Papa&Nana live and all of his cousins and friends. Sat strapped in his car seat just begging and pleading with us not to take him to WA. Thankfully being 4 1/2 years old, by the time we got to Oregon, he was all about this fun trip and move :)
But Jason and I discussed this very topic as we drove from CA-WA. We talked about the danger in putting on a "brave face" and trying to take on what only Christ can give us strength for. I'm glad God is teaching you these things along the way.

Remember that moving is going to be rough, no matter what. Its hard, emotional and stressful. Try to enjoy these crazy, hectic moments so that you can all look back on them with fondness :)